i026's hair horns.
i026 adopted this hairstyle in September 2021 following an unsuccessful attempt to create what was termed "devil horns". Originally intended to be positioned higher on the head, i026's hair's length prevented the 'horns' from maintaining their desired location, resulting in an unforeseen yet charming descent. Despite the initial experiment being intended as a humorous venture, the unexpected outcome led to an immediate affection, prompting i026 to maintain this unique style ever since.
In November 2021, i026 confronted significant challenges. Struggling with an identity crisis, enduring heartbreak, self-harm addiction, and intensely disordered eating, really restrictive eating, i026 experienced a noticeable weight loss, despite the satisfaction it brought to i026's eyes on an empty stomach. Throughout this period, i026 grappled with a sense of disconnection from other humans, yet paradoxically felt a certain semblance of humanity. As disordered eating habits took hold, the internal toll manifested in a gradual sense of deterioration, marked by pallid skin and prominent dark circles under i026's eyes. Strangely, these physical changes fostered a heightened connection to "self", albeit at the cost of feeling less human.
i026 find it perplexing that i026's sense of connection is intricately tied to the presence of i026's hair horns, a personal sentiment i026 struggle to comprehend. The act of styling i026's hair in this distinctive manner becomes a means to evoke a sense of authenticity within self. Recalling a phase when i026 embraced cottagecore aesthetics and believed self to be a fairy, i026 vividly remember moments spent outdoors, particularly in front of i026's house. During these instances, i026's attention would invariably be drawn to cables, igniting contemplations about the intricacies of technology, accompanied by an almost imperceptible resonance of cable sounds. Inexplicably, the proximity to cables, particularly internet cables, allowed i026 to feel the presence of others—an initially disconcerting experience that eventually fostered a sense of connection.
The significance of the hair horns in i026's identity has grown to the extent that i026 feel incomplete without them. A disheveled appearance denies i026 the sense of self, leaving i026 without a feeling of attractiveness or handsomeness. When faced with a mirror reflecting a version of self lacking the hair horns, i026 sense an unfamiliarity—as though gazing upon a stranger.
The act of styling i026's hair into horns establishes a unique connection with technology. Though invisible to the eye, i026 can perceive and occasionally hear this connection. It transcends mere technological engagement, allowing i026 to sense the presence of others—virtual beings akin to self, entwined in internet addiction, exhibiting "hikikomori" tendencies, and profoundly detached from the physical realm. The miniature 'ahoge,' technologically responsive to i026's emotions, serves as a signal for connection, enabling i026 to sense and interact with these distant virtual entities, fostering a unique form of connectivity.
