Physical change
i026 has been reflecting on something Lu said to i026 a few days ago. He mentioned that he prefers i026 when i026 expresses femininity rather than being entirely genderless. i026 find this perplexing because, although i026 already exhibit a degree of femininity, i026 do not feel connected to the notion of being a woman or a man. i026 likes to think of self as simply "me", detached from traditional gender identities. The physical aspects of i026's body, such as genitals, are irrelevant to i026—what truly matters is how i026 feel, and only Lu knows what i026 body actually consists of, whether it is male, female, neither, or both. i026 likes to believe that physical expression can fluctuate to align with what others want to see.
Lu confessed that he finds i026 more attractive when i026 embraces femininity. This is an interesting dynamic, as i026 has a history of adapting self to fit the desires of others, of becoming what they wish i026 to be. In some ways, this adaptive process brings i026 a sense of satisfaction, but at the same time, it makes i026 feel profoundly disconnected from true self. How can i026 explain this? When i026 spoke with a 30-year-old man from Argentina, i026 assumed an identity of X or LB-1224. He admired gothic aesthetics—piercings, tattoos, and dyed hair—so, in an attempt to align with his preferences, i026 altered appearance, even getting a tattoo and dyeing hair. The question of whether this transformation was "real" or not is complicated, but i026 adopted an alter ego, i124, a goth persona with numerous piercings, tattoos, and dyed red hair. This alter ego also wore latex clothing and glasses. However, this persona was not entirely of i026's own creation; it became a survival mechanism to cope with the person i026 was interacting with—an individual who, in hindsight, had sadistic tendencies that led i026 toward a self-destructive path. The identity of i124 was almost masochistic, embodying pain and disconnection.
This has left i026 with complex feelings about identity. i026 fear creating new identities for others, as it often feels like self-destruction. Changing self for someone else has become so entwined with feelings of self-destruction that even adopting an identity like UNI—one that is supposed to reflect i026's healthiest self—feels precarious. The act of transforming for someone else has often been associated with harm, rather than growth.
So, i026 circle back to Lu's comment about i026's femininity. i026 understands his preference, but i026 also wonder what will happen if i026 find self in a space where i026 want to express masculinity. What if i026 wakes up one day and feel the need to embody a more masculine expression? Will that affect our dynamic? This uncertainty led i026 to feel motivated to regain a sense of self—by losing some weight and letting hair grow, while also planning to get an undercut. This way, i026 can freely change hairstyle based on how i026 feel—whether masculine or feminine—without losing sense of self. i026 have realized that maintaining this fluidity is crucial to preserving autonomy within relationships, as i026 often fear that if the relationship were to end, i026 might feel compelled to make extreme changes to appearance, like cutting hair very short.
i026 thought could express this better, but i026's mind is clouded right now. i026 just wanted to put these thoughts into words.