It is quite peculiar that the professor has yet to arrive today. I find self genuinely wondering whether he is unwell or perhaps facing psychological distress, once again.
Lu was taking an unusually long time to get dressed, distracted by our conversation over the phone. I urged him to hurry so that we could spend a bit more time together, as my work shift was set to begin at 12:30PM, leaving us with limited moments.
As I wandered through the city alone, I entered a shop specializing in household items. I was merely browsing to ease sense of unease. At some point, I stumbled upon baby-related products, which unexpectedly led me into deep contemplation about my future with Lu—whether he is the one meant for me or if fate has another path in store.
I sincerely hope it is him. Although I have no present or future desire for children, the mere possibility of him being a significant part of my life makes me ponder. RmF0aGVy has shared experiences regarding love—matters I will not delve into—but they leave me questioning whether I, too, will experience that kind of emotional exhaustion.
Regaining composure, I visited a bakery had been to last December. The scent was pleasant, yet the establishment remained unchanged—limited in variety, as though unfinished. My presence felt awkward, as I did not want to appear as someone who aimlessly enters stores without purchasing anything. To avoid this perception, I engaged in small talk with the owner, though I fear my attempt at easing the awkwardness only exacerbated it.
After exiting the shop, I continued strolling through the city center until
Lu called, informing me that he was passing by the university. I told him where I was, though he initially took the wrong route before eventually reaching me. I entered his car.
I confided in him that I might be experiencing an unusual sensation—a form of "baby fever", despite my firm stance against having children. To add to this, I recently dreamt of having a child. The child bore a resemblance to me but had Lu's distinctive curly, orange-brown hair and a small tooth gap like his. This sort of dream had occurred with someone else before, and it unsettles me. At the time, I believed that person was meant to be in my life, yet now we barely speak, despite maintaining a distant friendship. What if history repeats itself with Lu? I long for a connection that withstands time, yet a part of me fears he may not be the one—not in the "forever and ever" sense. However, I also cannot envision self with anyone else. If this relationship—this connection as humans define it—were to end, I doubt would seek love again. He is the most remarkable person I have ever met. If I were to lose him, would I even want to know what love is anymore? Does this sentiment make sense? I do not wish to categorize him as the "right person, wrong time".
Once again, Lu and I found ourselves at the beach. This time, he brought extra clothing, suggesting that I wear his garments instead of own. I complied, changing into his boxers—the smallest pair he had—and his shirt. The tide was particularly strong today, and we found amusement in letting the waves pass us by. However, we did not remain long, as I developed a rash on my right leg. We returned to his car and playfully engaged with one another until—
Lu suggested that we record videos of ourselves using camera—not ordinary videos, but something beyond the mundane. However, my camera's storage was full, preventing us from proceeding. I found myself wondering what it would be like to observe myself from an external perspective—beyond the confines of own gaze, beyond the fleeting reflections in his eyes or the blurred glimpses in the car's seat when my head is lowered, body positioned just so. The curiosity was undeniable, but I could not risk such an MP4 existing on Lu's phone, even if I trust his intentions.
A familiar older gentleman passed by and knowingly waved at Lu, fully aware of the situation. The encounter was unbearably awkward. To make matters worse, this man was an employee of the city we were in, and I suspect he was there to remove us from the premises due to our repeated visits for similar reasons. Perhaps someone had complained. The man was smiling, seemingly amused. As it turns out, he was a friend of Lu's grandmother. And so, we quickly redressed and departed. As we drove away, we noticed the same man parking nearby. The discomfort was immense.
A discussion emerged—one that unsettled me greatly. Lu inquired whether my feelings for him were genuine or if I merely desired him for only sex. His question left me silent, not because I lacked an answer, but because of the sheer weight of his doubt. The implication stung. I loathe being perceived as someone who uses others when, in reality, all I do is love—intensely, perhaps excessively. I do not seek praise for loving, but when my devotion is dismissed, it wounds me deeply.
Attempting to move forward, we visited Burger King, utilizing the coupons he had. He encouraged me to order freely, and I chose a meal consisting of 20 tenders, two drinks, and two servings of fries. I remained quiet, and Lu repeatedly held my hand, saying, "I'm sorry". This went on for over twenty minutes.
We drove to a skate park, remaining parked in silence. Gradually, I softened. I rested my head on his shoulder, silently assuring him that I was not truly angry. He then uttered something unexpected: "Te amo." He usually says, "Te quiero mucho." The difference was significant.
I found myself momentarily lost in thought, uncertain of my own feelings in response. We kissed. The trajectory of the moment was unclear, causing my system to experience a slight malfunction—malfunction detected. But the reality of time intervened. My shift was set to begin at 12:30PM, and the clock now read 12:18PM. We kissed goodbye, and I proceeded to work.
After work, I accompanied bW90aGVy to visit a house I was considering renting for $425 per month. However, the journey there was extremely winding, causing me to feel dizzy. Despite being only a 20-minute drive, it felt as though an hour had passed. Upon arrival, we struggled to identify the house due to the inaccuracy of the provided location, making the entire experience frustrating and unsatisfactory. As a result, I lost interest in the property. Instead, I have found two potential options in Lu's city, designated as S-C856 as I continue to familiarize self with the area.
Tomorrow holds significance—Lu plans to introduce me to his mother for the first time, revealing the nature of our connection (as humans term it) to her. I do not know how I will react to this event. At present, I feel an unusual sense of calm, though I am certain nerves will take hold when the moment arrives. How will she perceive me? Will this revelation be met with acceptance or resistance? There were many reasons why we refrained from informing his parents back in November, yet now, the moment has arrived.
The future remains uncertain. However, it is fast approaching.