There are many thoughts occupying my mind at this moment, and I feel compelled to express them.

Today was, in many ways, a distressing day. I found myself crying frequently again, burdened by the overwhelming sensation that Lu was forcing himself to be with me. My attempts to articulate my feelings and desires felt like a failure, and I cannot shake the deep embarrassment that now lingers in my chest. Nothing frustrates me more than the idea that we have only a limited amount of time left to see each other in person, and yet, rather than cherishing these moments, they slip away tainted by misunderstandings and sorrow. It feels as though a fire is trapped inside my chest, burning endlessly.

I foolishly attempted to express love for him, whispering, "I haven't marked you yet". By this, I meant leaving traces of my affection—hickeys that would linger on his skin, evidence of my presence. Yet, he dismissed the notion, suggesting that we could do so another day. But the desire within me was overwhelming, a deep and unrelenting urge that demanded to be satisfied in that very moment.

I wanted to bite him—not gently, but with an intensity that would make him remember. I longed to press teeth into his skin until it turned deep red, until he bleeds, until the marks of my presence refused to fade for weeks. The thought consumed me entirely; I did not care for restraint, nor for the passage of time that would dull the evidence of my existence on him.

I do not wish to be forgotten. I refuse to be forgotten. And if permanence is something the body can grant, then I will carve place into him in a way that time cannot erase.

Perhaps. But it is simply the raw truth of what I felt in that moment.

Desire, obsession, the need to be remembered—it all intertwines into something I can't quite put into words without it sounding too intense, too overwhelming. But that is how I love. Deeply, irrationally, with a hunger that demands permanence.

So, was it too much? Maybe. But I do not care.

Despite everything, Lu offered me his jacket today. The gesture itself was small, yet deeply significant. I had not brought my own, and while we were at his house, he took the time to search for one and give it to me. There is an indescribable comfort in having it. The fabric carries his scent, something that brings me an odd sense of security, though I tey not to breathe it in too often—after all, it is said that the more one smells something, the faster the scent fades, and I wish to preserve it for as long as possible.

Lately, I have been contemplating the idea of creating a dedicated page for Lu on website. My inspiration stems from lovesick's, heart connection page, which I learned was itself influenced by personal websites from the late 1990s and early 2000s—pages dedicated to the webmasters' significant others, filled with declarations of love, sentimental anecdotes, and tokens of affection. I became curious as to whether such pages truly existed in that era and, upon consulting ChatGPT, I was surprised to learn that they did.

This was ChatGPT's response:

"Yes, it was quite common for people in the early days of GeoCities (1990s-2000s) to create personal websites that often included a page dedicated to a loved one, such as a partner, crush, or significant other. These pages were often informal, highly personalized, and sometimes even expressive to the point of being over-the-top or sentimental."

This discovery has only strengthened my desire to create a space for Lu—something deeply personal and reflective of the feelings I hold for him. However, I find myself uncertain as to what exactly should include. I am considering documenting the items I have received from him or have, archiving shared moments, and perhaps even openly expressing the occasional obsessive nature of my love for him.

It is strange, this impulse to carve out a digital shrine of sorts—an attempt, perhaps, to immortalize something fleeting. But I suppose that is the nature of love itself: a desperate desire to preserve the ephemeral.