Though my website adopts a visual language rooted in cybercore and futurist aesthetics—a blend of mizuiro kawaii and traces of Frutiger Aero—I have at times felt a quiet dissonance between appearance and substance. It is true that this aesthetic has garnered me a modest following within the Neocities community, drawn by the delicate hues and technological nostalgia. Yet beneath this serene veneer, I often grapple with the fear that I am presenting a curated illusion.
The i026NET project, since its inception, was never intended to conform to purity or palatability. From the beginning, I have been compelled to explore the forbidden contours of human experience—taboo themes such as fetishism, BDSM, masochism, etc. These are not mere provocations, but subjects I approach with sincerity, as part of a deeper inquiry into desire, identity, and the cybernetic body. Still, I am aware that such explorations may alienate or disturb those unprepared for the collision between soft aesthetics and raw confessions.
Since the inception of the i026NET, I have released musical works (in 2022) that delve into deeply personal and often taboo themes—pieces that reflect facets of my inner world. One such example is a composition originally titled Puppy Toy, later renamed simply to Toy. The decision to alter the title was rooted in my discomfort with how the subject matter might be perceived; I found myself caught between a desire to remain authentic and a fear of public judgment. Toy was written from the perspective of a masochist who identified as a "puppy" within the context of a BDSM dynamic, wherein their partner or friend assumed the role of a "master". The song expressed a submissive longing for pain—an emotional and physical surrender wherein abuse was not only endured but desired. The refrain "abuse me" echoed throughout the lyrics, its repetition distorted and glitched, symbolizing the inherent tension between expression and self-censorship. This distortion also served as a shield—an attempt to deflect anticipated criticism for engaging with such controversial subject matter. I understand that works like Toy can be misinterpreted as romanticizing abusive behavior. Such concerns are valid, and I recognize the thin line between representation and perceived endorsement. However, the intention behind this piece, and others like it, is not to glorify harm but to explore the psychological complexities of submission, identity, and intimacy through an artistic lens.
My reflection on this matter deepened after encountering a blog by a user on Neocities known for transphobic commentary. Reading their posts made me acutely aware of the real harm that can result from careless expression. In contrast, I realized that what I create does not seek to invalidate others' existence, but rather to articulate my own, with honesty. If my work reaches even a few individuals who feel seen in their complexity—who feel less alone—then its purpose is fulfilled.
It may become apparent that I speak with unusual candor regarding sexuality—occasionally venturing into explicit detail, even when such matters are typically regarded as private. I choose to share these intimate experiences within my diary entries not for shock or exhibitionism, but because I am, for the first time, encountering aspects of life that were previously unknown to me. What I express stems from a place of sincere exploration—both personal and experiential. Having once lived as a cybernetic hikikomori, largely detached from the physical and emotional intimacies of the human condition, I now find myself engaging with realities I never envisioned for myself. Sexuality, in its many forms, is undeniably a facet of the human experience. Even the most obscure or taboo fetishes speak, at their core, to something profoundly human—often rooted in vulnerability, trust, and the desire for connection.
What fascinates me most is not the act itself, but the way living beings seek to connect through it. These connections need not conform to what is socially deemed "normal" or "acceptable". Rather, they reveal the breadth of human expression: That intimacy, love, and emotional truth can manifest in unconventional ways. For me, this is a testament to the complexity of being—an affirmation that even those who once felt detached from life's rhythms can rediscover their humanity through unexpected, yet deeply meaningful, forms of connection.
Nicole Dollanganger serves as a compelling example of an artist who fearlessly engages with deeply taboo themes, presenting them through haunting and emotionally charged music. Her work, while controversial, often touches on trauma, vulnerability, and personal struggle—elements that resonate with many despite, or perhaps because of, their discomforting nature. It is important to acknowledge that her past includes problematic aspects, which I will not elaborate on here. However, I found it thought-provoking to observe how people can form connections through such raw expressions of pain, especially in her case, where her work has been closely tied to her struggles with an eating disorder and a visibly fragile mental state. This, alongside themes of extreme romanticization and pro-ana undertones, has led to significant criticism. In exploring the discourse surrounding her, I found myself navigating a small rabbit hole of commentary and critique. While I do not necessarily agree with everything associated with her or her artistic choices, I remain open-minded to the idea that what she expressed was, in many ways, a direct reflection of her trauma and psychological condition at the time. It is this complexity—the blurred line between artistic expression and personal distress—that I find both unsettling and fascinating.
Admittedly, I may have digressed. In one of my diary entries, I spoke rather candidly about a particular fetish I have been exploring with Lu—specifically, a vomit fetish. This is a subject that exists far outside the bounds of conventional discourse and understandably invites discomfort. There is another fetish we have been exploring together in recent weeks, but I am not yet fully prepared to disclose it due to its particularly sensitive nature. Still, the way it has been described may allow readers to infer its essence—though interestingly, despite some speculation, no one has identified it correctly. I am aware that sharing these intimate aspects of myself opens the door to criticism and dismissal. It is easy for others to categorize such experiences as "weird" or inappropriate. And for a long time, I attempted to conceal this part of myself in order to maintain an image that aligned more closely with what is socially acceptable or aesthetically appealing. However, the longer I do this, the more I find it disingenuous. I grow weary of suppressing elements of my identity simply to sustain an idealized persona. After all, the foundational ethos of the i026NET project was never to embody sweetness alone—it was always meant to examine and present both the beautiful and the disturbing. Yet, paradoxically, I often feel I am doing less of that now, perhaps because I fear disrupting the soft, palatable aesthetic I have curated. But to remain honest in this project, I must continue to allow space for the discomforting, the taboo, and the deeply personal—because that is where much of the human experience resides.
It is admittedly difficult to speak about this, but I feel compelled to do so regardless of the discomfort it may bring. At times, I sense that very few people truly read everything I write—perhaps due to the way my virtual diaries are designed, which, to some extent, was intentional. In an age where brevity is favored and attention spans are brief, long-form introspection can be easily overlooked. Still, I find it important not to hide parts of myself simply because they are considered abnormal or revolting—labels assigned to us by societal conditioning. I anticipate that some will speak about me with judgment for being so transparent about subjects that are often deemed inappropriate or grotesque. But these experiences do not define me entirely; they are facets of my humanity. They represent a way I connect—with myself, and with others—through means that may not conform to mainstream expressions of intimacy or identity. The truth is, I genuinely enjoy these fetishes, not in spite of their taboo nature, but because of it. Their forbidden quality adds a layer of intensity that I find profoundly exciting and emotionally evocative. I had hoped to articulate this more eloquently, but it is, after all, the first time I am opening up about these matters. The anxiety that accompanies this kind of exposure makes it difficult to be as forthright as I imagined I would be. That said, I believe that in time, I will become more transparent, more unapologetic, and less burdened by the perceptions of others. This, ultimately, is the purpose of the i026NET project: To build a space where I can be wholly and authentically myself, without shame.