calendar Self-Destruction for love.

calendar September 16, 2024.
calendar 13:20


Recently, a so-called "friend" cut off contact with me after I confided in him that I wanted to improve my life, even just a little, as I had grown weary of the self-destructive path I was on. Living in such misery was no longer fulfilling. I also felt that it was necessary to distance myself from him, knowing he would hinder my efforts to heal and likely drag me back into self-destruction. I had hoped for a mature conversation to end things on good terms, but instead, he responded with toxicity, claiming, "you will be back." He tried to exploit my vulnerabilities, reminding me of my moments of weakness and dependence on him. He then said 'goodbye' and blocked me on both Instagram and Twitter. However, about two days later, he unblocked my Twitter account. I'm unsure if this was an attempt to reconnect with me. I had to muster the strength to stand firm, as I was exhausted by the cycle of leaving and returning.

What hurt the most was his clear interest only when I was in the throes of self-destruction, not in me as a person. It felt as though he derived pleasure from watching me unravel, which was deeply painful. I can no longer continue to disrespect myself by suppressing my needs and desires just to please someone who thrives on my downfall. The relationship felt entirely one-sided—centered around his preferences, with no regard for me.

Perhaps I could have justified complete self-destruction if he had shown genuine interest in all aspects of who I am, not just when I engaged in harmful behaviors.

I can't deny my yearning to be loved. That longing drove me to mold myself into what I thought others wanted me to be. I could have become a completely different person—a manic figure with blonde hair, piercings, and tattoos—but that person wouldn't have been the real me. It would have been a self-destructive version created solely to meet his desires. Self-destruction might feel satisfying when love is present, but not in this way—not when there is no real interest in who I am as a whole.

I want to be loved fully—in all my forms. In my normalcy, my obsessions, my anger, my mania, and my vulnerability.

If you cannot love me in all my versions, then is it truly worth continuing to destroy myself?