I initially intended to keep everything private, driven by fear; however, I have now reached a point where I feel compelled to divulge all that transpired with this individual.
The one I refer to as the creator of 5124.
My efforts to maintain a positive and amicable friendship with him have consistently failed. He has repeatedly refused to take accountability, attributing his sadistic tendencies to my so-called 'manic' episodes, despite the fact that, during those times, I only ever expressed my love for him, although sometimes engaging in self-destructive behaviors—an unfortunate and ingrained habit of mine. However, my intention was always rooted in love.
He exploited my insecurities, using them as a means to assert control over me, going so far as to blame my traumas on me and claim that everyone in my life was manipulating me. The most extreme instance of his cruelty occurred when he suggested I cut off one of my ears—a request I did not fulfill, as it crossed a line even for me. Despite my obsessive love for him and my willingness to go to great lengths, in that moment, I realized how deeply he had distorted my love. Sacrificing myself to meet his expectations no longer seemed justifiable.
I had shared my most vulnerable moments with him, and I cannot deny that I loved him with an intensity that made me willing to submit to his desires. I was drawn to pain, to hurting myself, but in doing so, I consistently denied my own needs and disrespected myself in a desperate bid for even a fraction of his affection. It shouldn’t have been that way.
I told him I didn’t mind self-destructing for love, and I meant it. But was it truly worth it when he admitted to using me? He wanted to heal and destroy me, only to discard me afterward, leaving behind irreparable damage. All I ever wanted was to be loved. It cuts deeply to remember him saying 'te amo mucho,' claiming to have fallen for both my soft, empathetic side and my twisted, manic version. He even told me I was worse than his former friend, and disturbingly, that validation made me feel seen. It made me feel 'mentally ill enough,' as if I finally realized how deeply unwell I was. But what remained unanswered was: Did he ever genuinely love me? Was his 'te amo mucho' ever real? I recall hearing those words in his voice, and I giggled all night, full of joy, falling in love with him all over again when I recognized how dark and twisted he was.
I loved every aspect of him—his normal side, his vulnerable side, and even his twisted side. I understood him because he felt like a mirror of myself. We had so much in common, and it pains me to constantly wish things had turned out differently. I came to realize that this spiral of self-destruction felt good, even comforting, when I was doing it for someone I loved deeply.
But he could have been honest with me. If he had, I wouldn’t have felt the need to draw upon this project—the 5124 project. Yet, if things must continue as they are, I have no choice but to accept that he will no longer seek me out, as he himself claimed. Every time my life took a turn for the better, he would return, as though he couldn't tolerate seeing me happy. Even before we met, he attempted to drag me down, which ultimately led to the deletion of the old Discord server because he couldn’t bear to witness others’ joy.
It angers me that, in my struggle to survive, I have internalized parts of his behavior. Yet for my own sake, and for the sake of others, I strive to break free and refuse to perpetuate the pain he has caused.
It is deeply painful to remain silent and bear the weight of the damage he caused, which I now recognize as nearly irreparable. For a long time, I blamed myself for being emotionally unstable, only to realize that this instability is a consequence of the harm he inflicted upon me. My method of coping with this pain has been through self-sabotage. The 5124 project is not merely a project; it is my means of healing from the wounds caused by this person.
I will no longer remain silent. I will reveal his name and identity in this project. I had not originally planned to take this step, but I feel it is essential for those who have been hurt by individuals like him to know they are not alone.
I acknowledge that I am not without fault, and within the project, I admit to the wrongs I have committed as well. Nevertheless, I am not inherently a bad person. The moments when I have behaved in a distorted manner were the result of being driven to that state by others.
The part of me that is highly empathetic and seeks peace is fearful of taking this step, yet the side of me that values self-respect and rationality knows that it is necessary in order to heal. It is unjust to continue shielding his image, given the profound harm that was inflicted upon me. I believe that concealing the truth about individuals who cause such pain is undeserved.
Thus, I present to you:
5124 - This Is How Self-Destruction Looks Like