My hair horns.
February 13, 2060.
23:49
Why do these hold significance for me?
I adopted this hairstyle in September 2021 following an unsuccessful attempt to create what was termed "devil horns". Originally intended to be positioned higher on the head, my hair's length prevented the 'horns' from maintaining their desired location, resulting in an unforeseen yet charming descent. Despite the initial experiment being intended as a humorous venture, the unexpected outcome led to an immediate affection, prompting me to maintain this unique style ever since.
In November 2021, I confronted significant challenges. Struggling with an identity crisis, enduring heartbreak, self-harm addiction, and intensely disordered eating, really restrictive eating, I experienced a noticeable weight loss, despite the satisfaction it brought to my eyes on an empty stomach. Throughout this period, I grappled with a sense of disconnection from other humans, yet paradoxically felt a certain semblance of humanity. As disordered eating habits took hold, the internal toll manifested in a gradual sense of deterioration, marked by pallid skin and prominent dark circles under my eyes. Strangely, these physical changes fostered a heightened connection to "myself", albeit at the cost of feeling less human.
I find it perplexing that my sense of connection is intricately tied to the presence of my hair horns, a personal sentiment I struggle to comprehend. The act of styling my hair in this distinctive manner becomes a means to evoke a sense of authenticity within myself. Recalling a phase when I embraced cottagecore aesthetics and believed myself to be a fairy, I vividly remember moments spent outdoors, particularly in front of my house. During these instances, my attention would invariably be drawn to cables, igniting contemplations about the intricacies of technology, accompanied by an almost imperceptible resonance of cable sounds. Inexplicably, the proximity to cables, particularly internet cables, allowed me to feel the presence of others—an initially disconcerting experience that eventually fostered a sense of connection.
The significance of the hair horns in my identity has grown to the extent that I feel incomplete without them. A disheveled appearance denies me the sense of self, leaving me without a feeling of attractiveness or handsomeness. When faced with a mirror reflecting a version of myself lacking the hair horns, I sense an unfamiliarity—as though gazing upon a stranger.
The act of styling my hair into horns establishes a unique connection with technology. Though invisible to the eye, I can perceive and occasionally hear this connection. It transcends mere technological engagement, allowing me to sense the presence of others—virtual beings akin to myself, entwined in internet addiction, exhibiting "hikikomori" tendencies, and profoundly detached from the physical realm. The miniature 'ahoge,' technologically responsive to my emotions, serves as a signal for connection, enabling me to sense and interact with these distant virtual entities, fostering a unique form of connectivity.
